the ultimate guide to coachella (part i)

Okay. So.

Coachella '09 is coming up fast. It's scheduled two weekends earlier than last year, making this the earliest, and hopefully coolest (and I mean that in the temperature sense) year for the festival ever. There's only one problem. No lineup yet, bitches!

Rumors are circulating based on leaks from band members and the people they talk to, as well as speculation based on tour schedules, album releases, etc. Some acts have "confirmed" that they are in fact playing the festival, some are still stuck in "rumor" status. Even so, until they post it on the official Coachella website, it's all hearsay, but I'm going to let myself get excited anyway, because rumormills with similar gears have been fairly reliable in past years. Fairly.

That being said, I'm going down the alphabetical list of supposed "confirmed" acts, (based on a sources/sources that I consider reliable enough for our purposes) and rating them on a four-point scale.
From good to bad, it's:
See!
See.
Skip.
and
Skip!

Get it?

A Place To Bury Strangers – Fairly typical, but sometimes interesting psychedelic electronica band from Brooklyn. See.

Adele – They’re from Scotland, so they must be good, right? Oh wait, no. They suck, mate. Skip!

Armin Van Buuren – European trance DJ who talks too much. And not all funny like that Nune guy. Like a douche. Eehhhhhskip!!!

Bajofando – Heavily orchestrated and surprisingly organic-sounding Argentine electronic rock/hiphop/pop. See.

Band of Horses – Spacey indie rock band from South Carolina. Reverby, with lots of sincere-but-not-cheesy lyrics, and superb vocals. Think Decembrists before you were sick of them. I can see it now: midday set, scorching heat, palm trees, the fourth joint of the day, and the kind of goosebumps you only get witnessing relative unknowns playing their breakthrough show. This is the kind of band Coachella exists for. See!

Buraka Som Sistema – Portugese Calypso Reggae Techno. Not if you paid me. Okay, maybe if I’m on ecstasy. Skip! Unless on ecstasy. Actually, just skip.

Calexico – Modern Country rock duo. Buzzworthy, public radio favorites, playing Carnegie Hall in March. See.

Chairlift – ..Brooklyn.. rock band that incorporates canned beats and ambient sound. Grungy, challenging, and exceptionally musical. Think Broken Social Scene but not so Canadian. See!

The Chemical Brothers – Shit, they still keep it funky. Their new stuff is drum ‘n bassy enough that I just might if the mood strikes me. If I see any techno band that weekend it’ll be the Bros for sure. See.

Christopher Lawerence – Mmptssmmptssmmptssmmptsskip.

Crookers – If you like sweat, stubble, glowsticks, and the smell of people smoking things you’ve never smelled being smoked before, this Italian techno band is a must see for you. I, however, will-a-make-a-the skip it.

Crystal Castles – Theatrical electroclash group that’s so weird (in a good way) that they literally scare me (also in a good way). Awesomely hot lead singer whose influences include knives, blank looks on girls, and murder. See!

Deerhunter – Sonic Youth – inspired garage punk band from the ATL that I can’t wait to be pleasantly surprised by. See!

Drop the Lime – Gee, another one of those guys whose only instrument is an iMac. There’s a theme developing. And I’m skipping it.

Evil Nine – One of those bands that sounds like all their songs were made for a Halloween playlist. Skiii-iiii-iiii-iiiiip. (Say it like a ghost).

Fleet Foxes – Another band that is in constant rotation on NPR and unheard of everywhere else. Surprise, surprise, they’re amazing. Get a beer, situate yourself over on the side of the lawn, as close to the stage as possible without having to stand, take off your shoes, and see! See! See!

Franz Ferdinand – Doye! See.

Girl Talk – The Pittsburgh DJ/engineering genius who elevated the mashup from hip-hop novelty to art form, and officially one of the top 5 acts I’m most excited for this year. Break out the water bottle full of vodka, play your motherfucking part, shake your ass, and SEE!

That's all for now. Part II comes soon. The real lineup is also coming soon, but as of now, I'm going by what on read on the interweb. Let's hope this isn't a giant waste of time...